Money, Money, Money

I had an interesting talk with my husband tonight. I am honestly having trouble figuring out what he wants me to do as far as the kids' educations go. Money right now is a bit tight, as it seems to be for nearly everyone these days. If the kids were in school we would no longer have to pay for curriculum and enrichment opportunities, and I would also be free to get a job. We both agree that it is best for the kids to be at home, but it seems that he can't decide which is best for the family when everything is taken into consideration. It would seem that this confusion is really all my fault, because I TOTALLY freak out when I notice that the bank account is low. This happened a few weeks ago. Now I am feeling the wrath of my sudden, emotional outburst.

I really do want to do what is best for my family, and I trust that my husband does too. If he told me tomorrow that he wanted me to quit homeschooling the kids, I would quit. The thing is, he won't. He says that homeschooling is my decision to make. At this moment that seems to me an unfair burden to place the decision completely in my hands. Examining my own maturity and ability to handle a bank account that can bounce between flourishing and withering, contrasted with my passion for providing my children the best education I possibly can. Can I really keep myself in check when the bills appear to be higher than the balance of the checking account? I hope so. As of this moment, our only debt is our mortgage. Even that will be paid off sometime within the next year. We don't make a lot of money, but we live well within our means. Why does money scare me so much? Why does the act of paying bills nearly send me into a panic attack? It really makes no sense to me when I think about it logically.

Tonight my husband said something along the lines of, "Lack of money must not be that big of a deal because if it were, you would have found a way to increase your income." In addition to homeschooling, I work as a secretary at our church 10 hours a week. This job does not pay much, but it certainly does help. I also try to run the office for our contracting business, but I have had great difficulty finding enough time in the day to do that job, and I come nowhere close to doing it properly. I am not really sure what else I can realistically do to bring more money into the house. I enjoy painting, but I am not especially talented. I also enjoy knitting and cooking, but again, nothing special.

What to do? I suppose just vent to the vast www.